I'd like to post a picture to begin my dramatic tale, but I have no camera (lost charger, etc.). So just picture my shattered glass door. I am typing with a butchered finger and crying while listening to Hillary Weeks' Beautiful Heartbreak which has made me cry before, but it means even more right now. I've had plenty of "bittersweet tears and sleepless nights," especially lately. I don't know that at the end of each day, I'm seeing much spiritual growth or increasing in faith, but hopefully someday I'll be able to gaze at a stunning vista after the long struggle up.
Tonight, some dear friends are going to be helping me out with a shattered patio door. There were some tears shed earlier when one of my children discovered the disaster he caused by knocking a stoneware glass across the floor (my finger is from cleaning up the stoneware). I'm just grateful the door didn't explode onto him; it's actually quite pretty right now with it's safety glass designs, but so precarious.
If only this were the single eventful thing to have happened in the past month, I would probably feel less fragile. It's been a month of starting school at two different schools with similar start times, which adds more stress before and after school than you'd anticipate. It's been a few weeks of record breaking heat (hello 114 degrees with some humidity to boot), which also doesn't help tension levels.
This month has also been the transition of my unlabelable five year old to kindergarten, which he loves and hates. He loves his teacher, the social atmosphere and the chance to make more choices, most of which have very stressful consequences for mom, such as deciding more than once that he wanted to ride the bus instead of waiting for me, and deciding to buy lunch at least twice when he had a good lunch packed for him. I'm not sure there is a single kindie who dares go near him now because he might just decide to get some sort of reaction out of them (though many seem to still be pretty nice to him because he's usually friendly and fun). He also says he doesn't want to go to school some days... :(
School also means more homework, which for my oldest two is now including some 8th grade math. This can be exciting and fun, but anytime the concepts are more abstract, it takes so much out of all of us. Getting the younger two to even do homework takes all that I have some days, though it's mostly simple, fun stuff. The I'm-Going-to-Be-Eight-Soon child is working really hard to only run around for a while after school (gotta let him get it out his system sometime).
Life hasn't been standing still, there are still callings to fulfill, extracurriculars, lessons, Scouts, Activity Days, play dates, groceries to buy, dishes to do, floors to clean, laundry, etc. at the bare minimum. Oh, and then there's the damage that occurs daily and cannot easily be fixed, on the house and on the souls living in it.
Plus there's always money that's spent before we even have it. As if we haven't spent enough on med bills this year, it looks like we are now visiting drs. for what seems to be a form of hereditary sleep apnea. Doing research about issues for my youngest boy has actually led me to see some patterns in my other kids that I think pinpoint a potential sleep disorder, which would explain some of the drama that has surfaced even more recently.
Have I mentioned the absessed tooth on a SEVEN year old? Well I should, cuz it's painful in more ways than one. And I have been doing all of this all alone for the past few weeks while my other half has been on the other side of the world, working his tail off too. How do single parents do it?
It's hard for me to not feel overwhelmed and a bit bitter. I guess everyone thinks that their struggles are difficult, but I am slightly appalled by people who have time to worry about home decor, their favorite TV drama, how talented so-and-so is, or what super recipe they are excited to make. But here I am choosing to type instead of sleep, hoping that my rant will help me sleep.
I plan to spend my pre-sleep moments counting my blessings, instead of sheep, because I know there are plenty of people who are in a survival mode much deeper and longer lasting than I can imagine. Life is a climb more grueling and intense than I planned, but with a potential outlook more appreciated for all of the struggle.
